


Emptyin' the Saloon

by meridian_rose (meridianrose)



Category: A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)
Genre: Euphemisms, Gen, Humor, Merry Month of Masturbation Challenge, Pre-Canon, community: mmom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 00:24:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18767398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meridianrose/pseuds/meridian_rose
Summary: Of all the ways to die in the west, could masturbating be one of them?





	Emptyin' the Saloon

There were many, many, ways to die in the West, some more wild than others.

But surely masturbating wasn't one of them?

Albert had searched in his bed, looked underneath it, and in the single drawer of his bedside table before he lay down. You could never be too careful in case a snake, spider, scorpion, or some other delightful venomous little shit had taken up residence and was just waiting to strike when your defences were down.

He'd washed his hands because despite what the doc thought, Albert wasn't convinced sheep shit was a good thing to smear on your skin in general, let alone more delicate areas. He'd locked the door to prevent his father barging in and scaring him to death.

He'd taken so many precautions and yet Sunday's sermon haunted him. Some cowboy named Gordon had masturbated himself to death, according to the pastor.

Rumours said Gordon's dick had come off in his hand; or that he came so hard his brains flew out of his dick; or that he just exploded all over the place. 

None of these seemed likely. Getting an infection from the cow urine Gordon always stank of seemed likely. Heart attack, maybe, while in the throes in passion; Ruth had some stories about men who'd died in the brothel that way.

Albert grabbed for his cock. He was horny and he was going to have to take the risk.

"Please God, sorry, don't let me die emptyin' the saloon," he begged.

If this was another way to die in the West, at least he'd be going out doing something he enjoyed.


End file.
